Using the notes a friend sent me, I made some small fixes, then moved on to the bigger issues...the largest being that in several days, Arjun hadn't "eaten." Well, I couldn't have that, so I edited in a scene where he went savage and could no longer go without feeding. I think I did a good job, but I won't know for sure until M. reads it.
I also added in some other new material, little things scattered in here and there, leading up to his feeding, then adding in his remorse afterward, and Claire's acceptance of him, even after seeing what he'd done.
I'm including an excerpt here, so you can get an idea of some of the dialog between Arjun (the young vampire) and Malachai (the Archangel). My friend told me she really loved this exchange, and I have to admit to some sense of accomplishment with this. I've always wanted to write some great dialog. I think dialog is one of my strengths, but in some ways, I haven't really attained what I'd like through my dialog. In this excerpt, I think I've actually done what I've rarely been able to do, and I hope you'll like it.
As a side note, I am fully aware that Malachai is not a realistic archangel. I'm using a lot of creative license here, as the story is dark fantasy, so please don't let my portrayal of Malachai offend you.
Without further ado, here is the excerpt:
Arjun woke up confused as hell. There was a light shining so brightly, he thought it was daylight. His eyes hurt, but he forced himself to keep his eyes open so they would adjust to it.
“You're awfully reckless for someone who claims to love that woman, Arjun. What were you thinking? Or were you thinking at all?”
“What do you want, Malachai?” Arjun groused.
“I came because I've been ordered to help you.”
Arjun sat straight up and stared at the Archangel.
“Yeah, I couldn't believe it either,” Malachai shrugged. “But here I am.”
“You're not supposed to...”
“Interfere? Yeah, I know. I guess it's pretty important, or I wouldn't be cursed to help the likes of you.”
“What have you got against me, anyway?” Arjun asked. “I've never done anything to you.”
“It's not what you've done,” Malachai said, his voice flat as he shrugged his broad shoulders. “It's what you are. For centuries, I've been protecting humans from your kind. Don't take it personal. I don't like any of you. You're an abomination.”
“You know, Malachai, I didn't ask for this. It was forced on me against my will.”
“Still, you are what you are. You have impulses,” Malachai slid a glance toward Claire, who still slept soundly beside Arjun. “And you don't even attempt to control them.”
“How would you know that?” Arjun asked, perturbed.
“Look at yourself, Arj. Just look at yourself. You've been in contact with her for, what—sixteen hours, give or take a few minutes—and you've already bedded her twice. If that's control, I'd hate to see your lack of restraint.” The Archangel rolled his eyes and sighed, as if speaking to a child who'd done something mildly wrong. “Really, when you asked her if she wanted a ride home, what did you think would happen? Did you think she'd bake you a cake and send you on your way? Really, Arj, you're prone to these kinds of things. It couldn't have surprised you when things started getting hot and heavy.”
“You wouldn't understand any of this. As far as I know, your kind don't know anything about romantic love or sex.”
“You would be surprised what I know,” Malachai said, his eyes glowing white hot.
“Yeah? So, what do you know about it? Tell me.” Arjun taunted.
Malachai didn't take the bait.
“We don't have time for this, Arj. There's a band of twelve Hunters heading this way. They'll be here within half an hour. We've got to get you and the girl out of here.”
I would have liked to include the new scene I wrote today, but I think I'll pass for now. Who knows? Maybe someday. ;)
Have a great afternoon and evening!
Lois
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